Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
