i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
