i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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