Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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