i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
