You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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