What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
its liver damage thursday
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