You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The best revenge is premature balding
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
