did you get engaged???
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
