Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
