I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
