I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
