I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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