Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
