I want you more than these girls want KFC
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
