So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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