when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
