i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
