I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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