a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
