this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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