bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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