woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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