Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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