the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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