Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
