Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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