my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
