First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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