Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
