well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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