Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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