the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
