I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We need to get me chipped asap
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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