I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
