i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
