I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
