i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My ATM looks so different sober.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
