i just made my gag reflex go away.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
