you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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