I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i love accidental penises.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
