we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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