woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
