This house was built for laser tag.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Nobody cheats on THIS.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
