I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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