I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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