did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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