i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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