tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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