last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
